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Stranger than fantasy

24/6/2012

1 Comment

 
In its way, becoming a new parent is more tiring than an epic journey, more challenging than a battle with the Dark Lord and more wonderful than magic. So, since Baby Smith is now a month old, this week I'm taking a break from fantasy to share my hard-won wisdom with you: ten things they don't tell you about becoming a parent.*

1. They say sleep when the baby sleeps. What they don't add is that there will be days when the baby doesn't sleep for longer than twenty minutes at a stretch. All day. And the only thing worse than getting no sleep is dropping off for a single glorious moment, only to be woken up again by the familiar sound of wailing.

2. Your 'spare time' will be reduced to five minutes furtively scoffing down chocolate in a remote corner of the house while your partner deals with the squirming bundle of arms and legs that's invaded your household.

3. The only time 1 and 2 won't hold true is when you have visitors. On such days the baby will sleep peacefully in his cot and submit to being passed around a multitude of eager hands without a whimper. The guests will go away thinking what an angel you've been blessed with, while you return to battling with the demon-spawn.

4. You'll wear the same clothes for days on end. On a good day, you'll manage to have a shower before bedtime.

5. You'll become intimately acquainted with the daytime TV schedules. Because although you swore you'd never waste your life watching mindless programmes about feuding neighbours and botched DIY, your mind will be too frazzled and your arms too full of baby to do anything else.

6. You'll suddenly take an inordinate amount of interest in faeces, urine, vomit and other bodily emissions. You'll find yourself poring over a dirty nappy as if it's a treasure map, wondering if it's normal.

7. You'll develop the ability to be amazed by the slightest thing. (Oh look! He blinked! Isn't he clever!)

8. Instead of spending your online time searching for new authors, publishing news and interesting facts to use in your next novel, you'll obsessively Google newborn sleep patterns and what the contents of a dirty nappy should look like. (See 6.)

9. You'll sometimes think nostalgically of that distant time when you could leave the house on a whim or while away a morning reading in bed, and wonder why on earth you thought it would be a good idea to put yourself through this ordeal.

10. Despite all the above, it won't be very long before you can't imagine your life without what has become the most important thing in it.



* Or rather, they probably do tell you, only at the time you just nod and smile while secretly thinking it won't be like that for me. If only you knew …
1 Comment
Kay link
25/6/2012 09:39:53 am

I can think of a few other things to add to this list, like how you will relish grocery shopping alone (especially as you add more hatchlings to your nest) or how your bathroom will become your sanctuary (at least it will if you install a lock on the door so said hatchlings can't interrupt your sacred alone time).

Of course, at some point they'll grow up and then you'll miss all of this. I say this in a totally sleep-deprived state, having just celebrated Cricket's second birthday (which is actually today). I'm still trying to steel myself for Thumper's first, which is quickly approaching. I long for the day when I no longer have to feed them or change them or clean up after them (i.e., when they're fully potty-trained, etc.), but at the same time, I'll miss having them this little. I guess that's what grandbabies are for, and I hate to think how soon I'll have those because at the rate Tadpole and Tomcat are growing, I'll have those before I know it!

The first months go by so quickly. I hope, despite the craziness, that you're enjoying every minute. Well, you know, as much as possible. I sympathize with screaming demon-spawn-related urges to cry and/or laugh in frustration. *hugs*

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