Sunday Showcase: March 2013

My writing time is being swallowed up at the moment by Baby Smith and my impending return to work, but here's a silly flash fiction I jotted down whilst the offspring was napping one day. It's not related to anything else I'm working on – just a bit of throwaway fun. Enjoy.

Three Wishes

I found the genie in the men's toilets.

The temping agency I'd signed up with for the duration of my summer break had sent me to the Crown Hotel with a vague mutter about it being trickier than your average cleaning job. I expected a power-crazed manager, filthier than usual guests, or one of those underheated old buildings that freeze your knees off while you're scrubbing the floor. What I didn't expect was a cloud of red smoke that rapidly expanded to fill the room, before shaping itself into a towering humanoid form with glowing coals for eyes. It loomed over the row of stalls like a pillar of flame.

I'd heard of the genie of the lamp, of course. I'd even heard of genies appearing from vases and bottles and teapots. But a genie of the urinal? That was a new one on me.

"Who awakens me from my slumber?" he boomed.

I raised a hand. It still clutched the brush I'd been using to scrub at a particularly tough stain on the porcelain.

"Er … that would be me."

"Very well, then, mortal. State your requests, and make them brief."

"I'm sorry?"

The ember eyes narrowed. "Three wishes. The usual boon for those who discover me."

I shook my head. "No, thanks."

"I beg your pardon?"

"It's very nice of you and everything, but I'll pass."

The genie swirled indignantly. "You are claiming that you, a mere female who spends her days cleaning sanitation facilities, have no need of the greatest power ever to touch the fleeting lives of humankind?"

"Look," I said. "I know how this goes, all right? I make some dumb-ass wish that turns out horribly wrong, and I have to spend the next two wishes trying to put things right. I'd rather save myself the hassle."

"But surely there is something you crave? Sweetmeats, perfumes, fine fabrics? Beauty beyond compare? Your heart's one true love?"

"Stop it, will you?" I put down the brush and folded my arms across my regulation blue tunic. "Listen. Say I asked you to help me pass my final-year exams with full marks —"

"Is that a wish?" the genie put in hopefully.

"No! It's just an example. The point is, I'm sure there'd turn out to be some catch. Like, I don't know, I'd be accused of cheating, or you'd swap my paper with someone else's and my gain would be their loss."

The genie's eyes glowed brighter. "If such triviality upsets you then choose something different."

"But that's the whole issue," I said. "There's nothing that doesn't have a downside. If I ask for endless wealth or a new car or even a box of chocolates, I can bet you'll take it from someone else — after all, you can't create something from nothing — so that's essentially stealing. I could seek revenge, but everyone knows it always comes back to bite you, and anyway, I don't really hate anyone all that much.

"Vast intelligence is no good, because if I was that smart I'd probably understand the futility of everything, which would terminally depress me. Who wants to always be the cleverest person in the room? And glorious beauty would be just as bad -- plus I'm sure if I didn't word it exactly right, you'd turn me into a peacock or something.

"As for love —" I shrugged. "I don't believe you have any control over that at all. You'd probably give me a swan husband or a selkie, and he'd never truly be happy until I returned him to his own kind. So no. No, thank you. I'd rather not have the wishes, if it's all the same to you."

"Well, it's not," the genie said, sulkily and with a lot less bombast. "Three wishes for every person who discovers me. That's the one and only rule of my existence. You can wish for anything you like, except for more wishes or my freedom, but wish you must. So get on with it, or get used to these four walls — because I'm not letting you leave until we're finished."

I glanced around — stalls, urinals, chipped basins — and sighed. "Fine. Then for my first wish, I want you to tell me what someone in my situation ought to wish for. What is the best possible wish I could make for the world?"

"A bottle of water," the genie said. "I can fetch you one from the kitchens. No-one will even notice it's gone."

He had to be joking.

"A bottle of water? Why —"

The genie looked smug. "You said what. You didn't say anything about why. One down, two to go."

"OK," I said slowly. "Then for my second wish, I'd like a bottle of water."

He handed it to me with a flourish. "Two down, one to go."

I studied the label for a moment. Then I unscrewed the cap and poured the water into the genie's urinal. He swayed mockingly.

"What are you trying to do, drown me?"

Ignoring him, I replaced the lid on the empty bottle, then held it up.

"For my third wish," I said, "I ask that instead of being trapped in that urinal, you should be trapped in this bottle. Forever."

The genie grew more solid and more ominous, eyes flaring as he leaned over me. I said nothing, but held the bottle up between us like a shield.

With a screech and a rush, he was gone.

I peered into the bottle. I could just make out a faint red coil of smoke in the bottom. Smiling, I tucked the bottle into my bag and got on with scrubbing the urinals. When I got back to my parents' house that night, I went straight to the back garden and buried the bottle beneath the roots of the old apple tree.

The world could do without wishes.

And now, if you fancy reading a proper piece of flash fiction then I recommend this one from Flash Fiction Online: 'Beholder' by Sarah Grey. I really liked it, and I hope you do too.